remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
