You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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