i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
