ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
