you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize