i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
two words: eviction party
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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