I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
