God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How's work?
Spinning.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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