So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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