So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
