Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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