The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
