I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
