I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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