I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
