saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize