craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
