Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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