I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
