how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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