i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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