You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
