Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
