At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
