T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
