he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
