Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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