Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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