ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
