So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize