Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
