Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
