Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
