remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
