i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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