Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
no, he came in my armpit
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
