member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
