you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
