dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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