my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize