Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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