Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
