dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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