why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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