and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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