Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
