The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How does one acquire holy water?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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