Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
