Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
