A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
