Don't make out with my wife yet
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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