yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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