Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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