I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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