Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
