the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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