in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
