You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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