why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
