The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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